


When I Am Gone

by miracles_do_come_true



Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:48:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24702562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miracles_do_come_true/pseuds/miracles_do_come_true
Summary: Logan loves Roman with all of his heart. Logan can see that Roman wants to do more with his life. Logan can also see that his own life just isn’t working. Logan thinks he can fix both of their problems.Roman only wants to spend his life with his boyfriend. He’s perfectly fine with giving up on his dreams if it means waking up every day to see Logan’s face.Roman wishes he had said that sooner.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	When I Am Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: suicide
> 
> A quick note:  
> When anything is written with brackets before and after ({}), this means that the text is part of Logan's recording. The recording takes place a few hours earlier than the story's present day.  
> Anything that has two slashes before and after means that the text is simply indicating the date and perspective of the following paragraph.

{By the time you are listening to this, I will be gone. Not dead, most likely, but gone.} 

//January 18th, six years prior to the recording//  
Sunlight dancing through the trees, the scent of roses in the air. Logan and Roman sat on a checkered picnic blanket, hand in hand.

{Roman, I love you more than the world, but I think we both know that I was always bound to fail as your boyfriend.}

//March 15th, six years prior to the recording//  
The last scene in the movie had come to a close, just as Logan finally stirred in his sleep, slowly waking up. Roman glanced down at his boyfriend, who was leaning on his shoulder, before pressing a kiss to his forehead.

{I that thought I was helping you to achieve your dreams, but I now see that all I was doing was holding you back. I wish I had seen sooner.}

//November 3rd, six years prior to the recording//  
Roman quietly opened his boyfriend's bedroom door. He draped a blanket over the shoulders of the figure passed out at the desk and placed the cupcake he had carried in beside the mountain of paperwork.  
"Happy birthday, my love," Roman whispered.

{Roman, you are the most incredible human being I have ever met.}

//December 1st, six years prior to the recording//  
A smile fluttered across Roman's lips as Logan brushed a strand of hair out of his boyfriend's eyes.

{The way your eyes light up when you smile fills me with a kind of joy that I did not think I had the ability to possess.}

//January 18th, five years prior//  
Roman grinned and leaned into Logan's arms  
"Happy anniversary! I love you so, so much,"

{The blush that dances across your cheeks when out eyes meet is nothing less than adorable.}

//January 31st, five years prior//  
They stared into each other's eyes. Moonlight just barely lit up the room. Roman hoped that it was too dark for Logan to notice how red Roman's face must be.

{Watching you spin around the room laughing when your favourite Disney songs come on always ends with my cheeks hurting from smiling.}

//February 14th, five years prior//  
Logan's quiet laughter filled the air as his boyfriend pulled him up from the couch.  
"C'mon specs," Roman pulled him closer. "Let's dance."

{Listening to you talk about the things that you're passionate about always melts my heart. I love you so much.}

//March 21st, five years prior//  
"I GOT THE GIG!" Roman had applied for a job preforming stories for children at the local theatre. "Let's have a drink to celebrate!"  
Logan looked at him in confused amusement as Roman grabbed a bottle opener. "....babe thats a bottle of soda, not exactly the kind of drink one would use to celebrate with."

{And it's because of how much I care, that I must leave. I can see that you're hiding your emotions behind your smiles.}

//May 30th, five years prior//  
Roman wiped a tear off his cheek as he put on a fake smile. He stared at the figure in the mirror. Roman loved Logan more than he could even imagine. His boyfriend was the best thing to ever happen to him. It didn't matter that Roman had lost every job he had tried to keep. It would be okay.

{You clearly want more than anything to follow your dreams but you don't. Why?}

//June 12th, five years prior//  
Roman pressed his lips to his boyfriend's knuckles. "I'd travel to the moon and back if it meant simply seeing your face."

{So many hours were spent with me laying on my bedroom floor, trying to figure out why you refused to go out into the world and pursue a better life. Then it hit me. I am the problem.}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
Roman's jaw dropped and his heart fell as he listened to the recording that he had found in his and Logan's apartment. It had been addressed to him, and he had found it sitting beside a single blood red rose, and a golden locket containing a photo of him and Logan. It hadn't been long before Roman had put two and two together and figured out that there was something else going on here. This sounded bad.

{As long as I stay by your side, you'll stay stuck in an unfulfilling life.}

//July 2nd, five years prior//  
They lay in a meadow, side by side, fingers entwined.  
"I love you Logan,"  
"I love you too,"

{Please don't be sad.}

//August 15th, five years prior//  
Logan wiped away the tear rolling down Roman's cheek.

{I would have told you all this in person, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to bare seeing your pain. I knew that I'd back out the second we stood face to face.}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
Roman picked up the rose. He ignored the thorns that pricked his skin.  
"Logan, why, why why why," he could feel more tears forming.

{I love you so much, Roman. I never would have gotten this far in life without you, but as they always say mall good stories must come to an end.}

//December 26th, five years prior//  
Roman closed the storybook, a smile on his face. He plucked the glasses off his sleeping boyfriend's face and set them on the nightstand.

{I've hit the metaphorical dead end.}

//January 30th, four years prior//  
Roman glanced at Logan, who was sitting in the passenger seat,  
"I-I think we're lost,"  
"Now you admit it?" Logan raised an eyebrow. "Here, let me drive for a bit."

{My family disowned me for my sexuality.}

//February 13th, four years prior//  
Roman's heart dropped as he saw the mess of tears streaming down the typically calm man's face. "You told them?"  
"...I did."

{I was fired from my job at the lab, simply because I argued that the animals being used as test subjects were not being treated fairly.}

//January 1st, four weeks prior//  
"They're fools for firing someone as intelligent as you,"  
"No, they're right to do this. I tried to think with my heart instead of my head for once, and made the mistake of bringing emotions into a workplace,"  
"Well either way, they just lost their best scientist,"

{All of my friends left eventually because of how many walls I put up.}

//December 2nd, two months prior//  
"Did Virgil call?" Roman frowned when he saw the sad look on Logan's face.  
"Yes, yes he did. I'd rather not talk about it though. How about we make dinner?"

{My own cautiousness and inability to be overly emotional have been my own undoing. You are the last good thing left in my life.}

//March 14th, four years prior//  
"Logan, you are absolutely not just an emotionless robot! You're the sweetest guy I know. Don't you dare let any assholes tell you otherwise!"

{I may not believe in soulmates, but I truly think that we are as close as it gets.}

//June 8th, four years prior//  
"Aw, you don't think that we're soulmates?" Roman said with a pout in his face. "Why not?"  
"I simply said that I don't believe in such things," Logan pressed a quick kiss to Roman's forehead. "Now get sleep, we both have work to do tomorrow."

{My story has come to an end, but yours is just beginning.}

//August 17th, four years prior//  
Roman gazed lovingly at the stacks of books lining the shelves that surrounded the place where Roman and Logan sat. 

{I know that I don't have the emotional capacity to be able to make an accurate estimation as to how long it will take for you to be able to get over this, but for both of our sakes, I do hope it will be quick.}

//October 6th, four years prior//  
Roman sighed. His boyfriend had obviously stayed up all night working again. When he peeked at the pile of notes on Logan's desk, his face lit up. From the looks of it, Logan had started teaching a course at a local college, which had always been something he had wanted to do.

{I can tell that you're hiding sadness underneath all the smiles, you don't hide it very well.}

//December 31st, four years prior//  
Smiles. Grins. Laughter. Joy. Roman's entire life was based around joy. He couldn't just go tell Logan that he was sad about losing another job, that would ruin his whole facade. No, he would have to just get another job as quickly as possible.

{I haven't seen enough of your genuine smiles lately.}

//January 14th, three years prior//  
Roman was so happy for the first time in what felt like ages. Logan had finally agreed to get a pet! Granted, it was a goldfish, because Logan claimed that neither of them had the time to take care of a puppy, but a pet nonetheless!  
He named it Roman Jr.

{You clearly want to do something more with your life, but you don't.}

//February 14th, three years prior//  
"Vegas would be a nice place to live one day, or LA. Ooh maybe London,"  
"What, life isn't enough for you?"  
"Never,"

{And since I've heard you joke about me being the tether keeping you from being a star, it wasn't hard to realize that the only logical explanation is that I'm the one keeping you stuck in this small town where it is impossible for you to follow your dreams.}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
"I never meant it. They were nothing more than jokes. I would do anything to keep the small life we share," yet more tears rolled down Roman's face as he spoke to the empty room.

{I say that you are the only thing left in this world for me, but if you can't be happy with the life we have, then I have truly failed.}

//April 7th, three years prior//  
They lay on a Roman's bed, a Disney movie playing on his laptop, long forgotten. Roman snuggled closer, savouring the moment.

{The only way I can think of to fix this, is to completely disappear.}

//July 25th, three years prior//  
They sat under a cherry blossom tree, watching the petals fall around them.  
"This is magical," Roman's voice was barely a whisper.  
"There's noting out of the ordinary about the situation, except for the fact that the petals are dropping later in the year than they usually would," Roman merely grinned.

{You're the only one who could possibly miss me, so I have three requests for you.}

//September 12, three years prior//  
"My love is and always will be, completely unconditional. You are incredible,"

{When I will be gone, do not think back on the memories, they will only hurt you more.}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
"I could never not look back. I'd be lost if I couldn't think back to all the amazing time we've spent together so far,"

{When I will be gone, smile, for you have so many more opportunities to turn your life around than ever before. You have the chance to be truly happy for the first time in years.}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
"No, this can't be real. This is a prank. Logan wouldn't..... he would never....."

{When I will be gone, leave. Move to LA or NYC, start your life over. Enjoy yourself.}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
Numb. That's all he felt at this point. This was wrong. This wasn't something that should ever happen. This couldn't be happening.

{I'm sorry. I never meant for things to end this way.}

//November 27th, three years prior//  
The fish had finally croaked. Logan had always said that it was holding on longer than he had expected, but Roman hadn't been expecting it to actually die. They both agreed that another fish was a necessity.

{I understand that this is most likely a mistake, but I also know that this is something I feel that I must do. I know I could just walk away and forget about all of this, back to you. But I can't.}

//January 30th, two years prior//  
They were back in the rose-filled meadow, sitting beside a tree, painting. Logan's canvas was very monotone, nearly done, with lots of geometric shapes. He was using a ruler.  
Roman on the other hand, didn't care about perfection. His painting was of them both, all done in different shades of red and blue.

{I can't walk on this earth, knowing that I am dragging you down. You deserve so much more than I can give you.}

//May 4th, two years prior//  
A pottery class. Roman didn't know how he convinced Logan to come. But they were both enjoying it, and that was what mattered. Logan had a smudge of clay on his cheek, which Roman failed to point out to him, since he found it absolutely adorable. It ended up drying and they spend ages trying to successfully get it off.

{I am a despicable human being, I can't believe that I have gone this long trying to say that I'm merely walking away. You have probably figured out what's going on though.}

//October 14th, two years prior//  
The couple stood on the bank of a creek, skipping stones and occasionally attempting to serenade the other. Logan refused to actually sing though, so it ended up mostly being one large rap battle.

{I never had any intention of simply skipping town.}

//January 1st, one year prior//  
Smiles, snowball fights, hot chocolate, mittens drying over the vent. Today was a good day.

{I don't know why I thought I could tell you that. We both know that I would never be able to stay away. Hope is a dangerous thing.}

//February 14th, one year prior//  
So much chocolate. Roman knew that Logan would never be able to eat it all, but he had bought it for him anyways. It was truly worth the smile that Logan gave him though.

{You mean too much to me for me to be able to continue to live, knowing that I have the opportunity to come back. I have to do this, it's the only way to save you from the pain that is clearly taking you over.}

//August 1st, one year prior//  
They were back in Roman's living room, waltzing. Logan didn't know how to waltz. Roman barely knew the basics. Still, they kept at it until their feet ached.

{Remember the meadow in which we had our first date? The roses here are exquisite. So many memories...}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
The meadow. That's where Logan would be. He had to go, had to save him. Roman wouldn't be able to ever forgive himself if something irreversible happened. Roman grabbed the recording. He'd let it finish playing as he drove there.

{I seem to have hit my emotional breaking point. I don't remember the last time I allowed myself to cry like this.}

//December 8th, seven months prior//  
A sweet kiss. Moonlight filtered through the window, illuminating the blush on both of their faces.

{Please Roman, let go. Travel the world, be the actor that you've always wanted to be. I'm leaving you every last item of value in my possession for you to use to pay for your new life, don't use your own money until mine is all gone.}

//June 18th, two days before the recording was made//  
The blanket fort probably wasn't the best idea, but it was comfortable and made for the best possible movie watching experience. They had both seen every Disney movie countless times, but nonetheless it was time for another movie marathon.

{I love you so much, please don't take this as a sign that you weren't enough, because that isn't true. You were everything you could possibly be with me there. I am the one who is the failure.}

//Present day, Roman's perspective//  
He wouldn't get there in time. He wouldn't be able to make it. He'd only be met with the remains of the man he loved. But he could still try. Giving up was cowardly and uncharacteristic for him. Roman slid the locket around his neck.

{Reincarnation is illogical, and so is the idea of an afterlife, but perhaps we shall meet again, my love.}

//Present day, June 2oth, Logan's perspective//  
He looked down at the rose bushes around him. He had waited long enough, Roman would be figuring out where he was and showing up to stop him soon. He couldn't let that happen. Seeing Roman's face would be enough to make him stop, for the time being at least. That wasn't what Logan wanted.  
The blood red roses around him were truly beautiful.  
He was finally met with the one sound he had wanted to hear for as long as he could remember.  
The birds stopped chirping. Complete silence.  
"Roman, I love you," his last words, and they would explain the only emotion Logan had ever really admitted to having.

He could rest at last.

The safety on his pistol clicked off.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This was the first fanfiction that I have completed, so I hope you enjoyed!  
> This was originally written to be modified into a script for my Drama class, so there’s a lot less kissing and such than I would have wanted, unfortunately my drama class isn’t too welcoming of lgbtq+ topics so it wouldn’t have gone over well if I had put in more kissing and cuddling. 
> 
> If you notice any inconsistencies and/or mistakes, feel free to let me know! You can contact me in the comments, but it would be more effective and efficient to simply dm me on Instagram ( https://instagram.com/zibidalemur?igshid=zldxydj0pob1 ).
> 
> I hope you have a wonderful day, and thank you for reading!


End file.
